Suicide is an Accident waiting to happen

Demian Randle Lee Stevens

You have no idea how much you have brightened my dwarf star.  It was fading, dying and your love has given it a new relish on life.  I want to wake up every day.. i used to beg for the day when i didn’t have to open my eyes to this terrible world.. You and Maizie both have given me a new outlook on just how beautiful and simple the perfect life can be.  I just seem to fit here.  I fit in your arms at night when we go to sleep.  I fit in Maizie’s little grip around her finger.. Even Patrick and i have a small understanding of each other and he fits as an odd brother.. =D

You help inspire me and you push me to do the very thing that i love to do.  Write.  I haven’t picked up a pen or written on my keyboard in so long that i almost forgot how good it feels to see the words that I’m feeling reveal themselves on the screen or paper. 

You aren’t going to scare me away.  I love seeing you get into something and not being able to get your head back out of it until all of it has pushed it’s way out of your head and onto the paper in front of you.  I’m not going anywhere.. unless you ask me too.  Even then I’ll be unwilling to leave but i will respect your wishes. 

Maizie is amazing.  I couldn’t ask for a more awesome kid around.  She is such a sweet heart and i couldn’t imagine life without her.  She is a very smart child and she’s not going to be a child for much longer.  She’s growing up very quickly and i can’t wait to see what an amazing teenager she’s going to be.  I hope she never loathes me for the age difference.  i hope in time she won’t even think of the age and it will go over her head and she will see just how happy we make each other. 

I’m not much of a letter writer.. most of the time i do poetry.. letters for me can be quiet difficult cause i get side-tracked very easily so bear with me here.  i dont ever plan on letting you read this but if you do know that i love you very much and that’s a very scary thing for me to admit, even to myself.

As we sit here in each others company i am content.  You are playing inFAMOUS and i’m just sitting here with my laptop but i am completely content with just being in the same room as you.  To have you around me puts my heart at ease and i can relax.  For the first time in a long time i am at ease.  I havent been able to completely relax in years and you help me do this.  You get me and you help me… constantly.  I am very thankful for everything you do for me; physically and mentally.  I dont lay awake at night and dread falling asleep anymore.  i am relaxed and comferable here.  That’s why i never want to go home.  Home is where my heart is and my heart is always with you and Maizie.  I feel more at home here then i ever have at or with my mother.  i constantly have to worry about the rent, food for dinner, her and her drug issues.  i dont have to worry about any of that while im here. 

I’m terrified about my mother kicking me out of the apartment.  It isnt my fault that i barely make enough money to keep myself fed at work.  And then there’s you, my sweet lover.  The moment i even mention the possibilty of being homeless you swoop in with your cap flying and carry this lois lane to safety.  i wanted to cry from you being so sweet to me.  You dont even realize it.  The small touches, the small ways you show you care and love me.. The hot bath.. you dont even realize when the last time was that i had a man draw up a hot bath for us to share.  None the less sit in it with me without being all about sex.. You made small gestures and such but you didnt pressure me.  You honestly just wanted me to relax and forget aout my worries.. That touched me more than anything else.

I catch you watching me and i cant help but blush and smile.  I have never had a man watch me the way i catch you watching me.  You arent being perverted or anything.  You are honestly looking at me to see me and to see me happy.  You are bringing me out of 7 year funk.  I have been to the very bottom of the black ebyss and you are pulling me back to the surface and keeping me afloat.. you have NO IDEA how much that means to me.

All the other boys ive been with were exactly that BOYS.  You are a strong, patient and caring man.  You will put yourself out there just to make me smile for a couple of minutes.  You have understood me like no man ever has before and i’m very thankful.  All the others never could bring me up for air.  They just told me to suck it up and to stop being a drama queen.  None of the could realize that there was something genuinely wrong with me at times.  You get me and you get my many issues and i am very thankful that you are the patient type and understand when i am having a moment. 

I have no worries when im around you.  i am me and thats all i’ve ever wanted to be. 

I love you Demian, for loving me first. 

Your sweetest love,

Bryana Michelle Wilson